The answer that to question is really not one I have. The fact of the matter is, the moment I think it can’t get any better….it does.
I am a girl who comes from a sink or swim mentality. For as long as I can remember, I’ve just had to work with what has been handed to me. I had to learn what was attainable, and in the recent years, I have had to learn that my self-imposed limits would ruin me if I let them.
I’ve fought for love I didn’t need, and gave away love that wasn’t wanted. Yet, here I am, at the end of a Sunday spent with my boyfriend, marvelling at the fact that I have been blessed to have someone who is my absolute hero.
Years ago, my dad was my hero. My idol, even. Whatever he said, I believed. Whatever he did, I loved. Whatever he thought was all that mattered. Then, as time went on….all he did was tell me that I was fat, ask me why I couldn’t get anything right, and look at me with disdain. I’ve gone through life having made the decision that I will do and say as I please, and never let anyone, especially any man, make me feel so inferior, and so undeserving. To this day, he will borrow my money, inconvenience me at his leisure, and then leave me a voicemail cursing at me, and asking “Why can’t you do anything RIGHT?!?!”
For fear that a man might make me feel this way again, I pretty much walked out of my house everyday with a suit of armor on. No. I don’t love you. No. I can’t be your girlfriend; I don’t believe in titles. The list of objections and defenses simply goes on unnecessarily.
There were a couple guys who changed my mind for a passing moment. But really, when all was said and done, I think it came down to getting past the armor, versus actually giving me a reason to let it go altogether. Nevermind the ones I loved who didn’t feel the same way.
I know one thing to be true: God will keep something from you if it is untimely. I might not always like or appreciate it, but I certainly understand it.
Now, here I am spending the evening in my bed after a hot bath and finishing my latest Jennifer Weiner novel, completely content after a blissful weekend with my amazing boyfriend. We went grocery shopping yesterday for the ingredients for Crockpot Buffalo Chicken Lettuce Wraps from SkinnyTaste.com, had lunch at Philly Frank’s (aka the BEST cheesesteak in Cali!), and spend the evening in with a couple of RedBox romantic comedies (if that doesn’t say it all. He actually let me pick What’s Your Number? and This Means War. What a champ!). We stayed up talking, and then woke up early this morning to cinnamon rolls. We headed out to Bates Nut Farm, and went to Valley View Casino for a free lobster buffet ( thank GOD it was free! It’s usually $32.99, and I ate about 4 oz of food…and none of it was lobster. Oh heck no!). On the way home, we stopped at Smoothie King, and drove into the San Elijo Hills and looked at six gorgeous model homes that we couldn’t afford even if we were actually ready to move in together.
And it was phenomenal.
It’s a precious thing, when you think about it. Finding someone who will fight with you, and for you through life. Someone who goes from planning things day to day with you, to planning the coming years, and talking about looking at houses or fighting about wedding colors and having a blast planning your reception playlist….who would have thought that a girl who kept keeping guys at a distance would be the girl who gets teary-eyed when her boyfriend leaves after such a fun-filled weekend.
But I am. And I couldn’t be more grateful. Just last weekend, I showed up for our weekend, and he had a card waiting for me to congratulate me on my new position at work, and finally getting under 200 lbs. He went to his closet, and pulled out a bag containing the shoes he got for his dad as a birthday gift, but in fact, upon opening it to approve the purchase, I learned they were brand new, brightly colored, exceptionally engineered Nike running shoes just for ME.
All this, to tell me he was proud of me just for what I had accomplished for myself. And to top it off, he claimed that our weekend full of fun was going to be dedicated to celebrating all that I had acheived. He even wrote words like “Dedicated!” and “Motivation” all over the envelope (soulmate, much?)!
And I knew that I was truly, madly, deeply in love. Because not only does he make me want to be a better person, but he makes me believe that better will always be within reach.