Mmmmhmm. I said it.
Might sound a bit ridiculous, but there are some things that I cannot WAIT to put behind me in life as I shed the pounds. and well, let’s face it, lists are pretty amusing, in terms of how to share with people. It’s clear, concise, and still leaves room for a bit of humor. Best case scenario, they encourage me to keep it brief…but, well…you know me!
So, shall we?
“Things I Will NOT Miss from My Life as a [Former] Big Girl”
1. I will NOT miss the men who approach me solely because I am plus sized. “Dang girl…you big just the way I like ’em! And you cute, too!” Call me shallow…but should the cute come first there, ya think? Hot mess!
2. I will NOT miss what I like to call the “Big Girl Shorts Dance.” A.K.A. the uncomfortable and not easily missed action of try to readjust your shorts because your thighs rub together, and you can’t freaking look like a normal person, because there is a big “V” -like wrinkle right there, where your shorts are supposed to fall normally. Maybe you can relate, maybe not. Feel free to ask me to demonstrate in person. That’s one of my FAVORITE jokes to use, and it’s pretty dang funny. You’ll notice you don’t see me in shorts too often.
3. Shoot. I will NOT miss my thighs rubbing together. HALLELUJAH! Maybe I’ll get one of those nifty little spaces between my legs like everyone else. And then my shorts won’t have anywhere to hide!
4. I will NOT miss having to act a fool with people who think I can’t hear them when they make little fat jokes when I walk past. Realistically, someone will ALWAYS have something to say about you….fat, skinny, tall, short…whatever. But it really pushes my buttons when people do that. They don’t even KNOW me, but they blame me for little earthquakes when I walk by? Oh, honey! I’ll SHOW you a natural disaster, right after I’m done verbally assaulting you. Then at least I get to be the MEAN and fat girl. I can deal with that.
5. The quaint descriptions people bestow upon you: “She’s the kinda (motions hands about 2 ft from either side of their body)… um…big girl? With the curly hair?” Shame on it.
6. The looks the clerks give you at that utterly absurd 3,5,7 store in Ontario Mills. Whose bright idea was it to have a store that only sells three sizes, anyways? Smack yourself!
7. The “harmless” comments from the Asian nail ladies. “You have BIG leg! You big girl! Big feet!” Yeah, well….you have big mouth. You just go ahead and smack yourself, too!
8. How about the guys that aren’t chubby chasers? Those are some real charmers right there….”You know, I normally don’t go for big girls….”. Ok. So I’m the graaaand exception, and I’m supposed feel super special? No. I normally don’t go for the mentally handicapped, so you thank ME, how about that?
9. I won’t miss girls who look at me like I committed a felony when I walk down the street with a reeeeeally good looking guy. Hate on me, hater! But hey, don’t worry….he usually plays shallow and doesn’t go for my type. Maybe he’ll pick you next time? Good luck with that!
10. Ahhh. I think I’ll end here, before I get even more riled up. I will not miss walking into a store and having to beeline for the accessories. I patiently (ha, right) await the day that I can shop in any store, and buy anything I’d like. Unfortunately, I know the shoes will always be an issue (it’s 2011, and models have HUGE feet. Can I puh-leeeze get Size 11 cute shoes regularly in stock? DANG!), but hey….progress is progress!
Well, this was VERY fun for me. And although I know I seem to be bitter and cynical in some respects…I am truly having fun with this. And I am not resentful….just observant. There are stigmas about every body type…but I’ve become very familiar with the ignorant ones that chase after the “chubbies” like myself. Sometimes, you just have to keep it real, call ’em out, and keep on going.
‘Til next time!