It has recently come to my attention that I am 22 years old, and VERY single.
I say VERY single, because I was recently out with some friends, and everyone was talking about their relationships, and then we rekindled the hilarious moments from their past relationships, and then everyone started talking about me and my LACK of relationships. One person gets defensive for me and says “JoJo has ambitions! She is the ideal single girl, like we read books about!” and the other one says “Sondra is VERY single. I think she prefers it that way!”
Now, I laughed this off. Because generally speaking, it has its share of validity. At the same token though, for a split second, I kinda felt dysfunctional.
Why am I single? Why do I never end up in an actual, bonafide relationship? Why am I happier committing my attention to the attention I get from a person, rather than committing myself to making that person be mine? What is my deal? I guess I didn’t realize that I am the only one who has no kind of significant other to speak of. I always have a story about a guy, but nobody is surprised when I say that I have some overly detailed reason for why it would just never work out, in the long run.
My diagnosis seems so simple, because it is my life. Pretty much, I feel like I have sooo many things I want to accomplish. I have so many new ideas and opportunities that have been presented to me, and I am working hard to see them through to a successful end. I want the good job, and the cute apartment, and the new car. I guess I just thought the boyfriend part could wait. People have come and gone that changed my mind, and made me want to make that exception…but they were always just a bit too good to be true. I guess I haven’t been in an actual, LEGITIMATE relationship (high school doesn’t count, right?) since…ever. Such is life. I hold no grudges.
But you gotta see where I am coming from here. I am a babysitter for my father. This guy, who was meant to be the strongest male role model in my life, needs ME to pick HIM up from the police at 1am. Not the other way around. I make friends with guys so easily, because I totally relate to their perspectives on relationships. The one guy I almost actually fell IN love with? He kept me waiting because he knew I would always be there, always taking care of him. Taking care of people is what I DO. It’s what I was created for….one of the largest purposes I feel God attached to my life. I look out for all of the people I love, and I feel so strongly for them.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nurturing person. Has it set me back at times? Yes. Have people taken advantage of me, and taken me for granted? Unfortunately. Call me crazy, but that doesn’t stop me from caring. Problem is, where are the guys like me? Where are the guys who want to build something WITH me? The ones who are working so hard on themselves, that they understand why I’m in no hurry. That understand me when I say I just want to be able to have my life, and celebrate my successes at the same time that I celebrate theirs? I don’t want to pay a guy’s bills, or be his 2nd mother, and keep him shielded from the hard work that is LIFE. And at the same time, I never really did find myself into guys who want to do everything for me. I’m a strong person. That much I know. I don’t need anyone, much less a guy barely older or any wiser than myself, to take the Daddy role and try to manage my life.
[Worst of all? A lot of guys come around these days (and I KNOW ya’ll know at least one of them!) and they have these silly ideas that it’s ok for them to do absolutely NOTHING while some independent female spends her time and hard-earned money to keep him comfortable. Don’t get me wrong; it’s 2010 and people are losing jobs left and right, and having a hard time finding new ones. So I’m all for helping your man out when he hits a hard spot. Loyalty is everything. And if you know he’d do the same for you? By all means. But these lazy ones? The ones who swear they’re gang members, or future rappers, and somehow think they’re too good to work at a warehouse or a McDonalds (money is money,honey!)? Who don’t have their diploma, GED, or knowledge of what a college is? Who ask you to let them “hold” some money til they “get right?” Naw. I’m sorry. You got enough to handle working on yourself. Yeah, you love him, and you believe in him. So, therefore, you believe him when he says he is going to FINALLY make that resume and hand it out tomorrow….everyday. But me? I’ve had my fair share of broken promises and disappointments. That cycle never really did work for me…but I was trying so hard to bend the rules to get the guy. Little did I know…once I started worrying about me more than him? I LAUGH when I hear about people paying his way everyday. I no longer want to cry when I hear he still isn’t even TRYING, because I know only he can fix it. Where is the AMBITION ladies? All these fools sing along when Drake is talking about “successful,” but they aren’t living it! I don’t understand!?!! Lol. And if another broke negro gets hyped when “I Get Money” comes on, so help me….I’m going to pull out my debit card and slice his throat with it.]
So yes. I am VERY single. Because I am VERY convinced that once my life has come together the way I expect it to…the way I am working SO hard to achieve…that guy will come along, and we can have that spirit in common. We can celebrate the fact that we made it, and console each other from then on whenever we may miss the mark. That’s love. That is the love I have with all of my friends and family, and I don’t think it’s wrong to want the same things from the person I could potentially share my life with.
I’m not the ideal bachleorette, who plays men flirtatiously and would rather be alone. I simply figure being alone now is a small sacrifice to make, knowing that when I have made it to the top…someone will be waiting there, nodding his head in agreement. I’m happy my friends are fortunate enough to have found the guys they were looking for so soon before me, don’t get me wrong. This is simply MY preference. I figure if I really, truly wanted a relationship now…I could have it. But I’d rather have my good job, and cute apartment. Then? He can come over, and I can make dinner, and kick him out if I don’t like him! 🙂
But, alas, I am 22. And VERY single. And every day that goes by with a new goal made or reached, I find myself being VERY happy, regardless.
Love you all!