I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to be a bit fearless and make some things happen.
I am always so afraid to go for a lot of things, because I am afraid to fail. Throughout my life, it seems that every time I am about to reach the top…something comes around that brings my happiness, stability, and success to a screeching halt. Then? It takes me forever to get the nerve back up to try once again. Sometimes, I just wish I had more control over everything.
Then I realize something:
EVERYONE wants to have more control. Nobody wants to see everything they worked so hard for, that they want SO badly, come crashing down around them. Nobody promised that getting somewhere in life would be easy. So who am I to think I’ve got it like that? I need to just get back up, keep smiling, and MAKE IT HAPPEN. That, essentially, is the solution. Failure is ultimately a part of success. When I think of it that way, it makes it easier to accept rejection. From people, from job opportunities, from schools….it’s all just a part of the process. By keeping your faith in the Lord, and trusting that he will make a way for you, you will keep going until it finally happens.
Because it will happen.
So, on that note…I went to an interview for a job I wasn’t sure I wanted. I started my own makeup business. I dropped out of school for the semester because I know I won’t get better than C’s if I stay[you kinda need books for online classes, and I had NO book money. Lol]. I started working out harder, and eating better, and taking bigger steps toward reaching my weight loss goals. I even put myself on a list to be considered for an actual weight loss procedure clinical trial. I texted a guy who was interested in me FIRST. I started paying better compliments to guys, instead of just staring back at them when I catch them looking at me. I decided that sometimes? You have to let “friends” go, even if it makes you look weak or bitter. I booked a flight to DC to see my cousin, so that I could escape my Cali comfort zone, and make better connections with my family. I picked my dad up from the police, so he would know that even though he hurts me, I’ll never leave him.
I’m not saying there have been any drastic improvements since all this. But guess what? My heart? It’s so full of joy. I don’t find myself hanging around people that I don’t trust. I don’t cry when I think about how much they hurt me, just by pretending they care about me more than their actions tell me they do. I don’t back down. I want things done the right way, and if that means sometimes I cannot just sit back and deal with it in silence…SO BE IT.
It’s about time I felt this way. I am content with the fact that no matter what, I am able to survive. I am looking for better jobs, so I can make better money, and have a better living situation. I am so focused on stability and independence….but sometimes, I am just so scared that I will fail.
But now, I don’t mind so much. I never said I wanted EVERYTHING in the world. I just want EVERYTHING to be pleasant. Even if the exact circumstances are in God’s hands rather than mine, I appreciate the fact that I have a say-so in some areas. I can’t control who hires me, who loves me, who makes my heart beat so wildly that I think I’ll lose it.
But I can control the way that I adapt to, adjust, and accept these things. And that is exactly what I plan to do!
Have a fun, blessed, and adventurous weekend people.
Maybe I’ll see you in Vegas! I’m on my way in a few hours, wearing the “Luck is On My Side” necklace that my sister bought me for Christmas! Keno anyone? Lol.