So, it’s definitely been awhile since I have blogged. Quite honestly, I have been so caught up in the craziness that is my life, that I have been doing anything possible to distract me from it. Therefore, I can’t blog about it, because then, I have to re-live and analyze it. Yeeks!
Basically, I went from the girl who was finally on track somewhat…got a free car, finally insured it and got it on the road, had a guy that I found myself missing after awhile [which has NOT happened in a VERY long time], had a place to stay free of charge, had an idea of what I wanted to do, and when I wanted it done.
Now…the car has to be smogged by the 13th of December and my father STILL hasn’t helped me fix it, the guy went back to his ex girlfriend, and decided to tell me a WEEK later[ the day after he came and surprised me at home and kissed me, no less. smh.], and my mom is moving to Connecticut in 2 days and I have to find someplace to go in the meantime. I have until the 30th [aka, pray for me. lol.].
The funny thing is, none of this bothers me as much as it might have a year ago. I feel so at peace in my life lately that I sit and laugh at all of these things, and I suppose I am just grateful that it’s not worse! I’ve seen worse. I’ve been there. This is a minor bump in the road. Is it gonna take more work that I was anticipating? Yes. Am I thrilled about it? Of course not. Is it stressful? Sure. But, it could be worse.
Let’s start with the juice: The Boy. Haha. So funny. I have always referred to him as “The Boy,” because there didn’t seem to be any appropriate term for whatever he was in my life. He certainly wasn’t my boyfriend, although the thought may have crossed my mind. He was a time-filler. A trial run, of some sort. It was funny, because I told myself to give him a shot, and try to let go of some of the resentment I harbor from past let-downs in the relationship department. I’ve had boyfriends, but looking back….more importantly, looking FORWARD…they don’t seem to measure to anything significant. They don’t really count, to be serious. At least, not to me. So this one…I had no problem easing into it…and everything was quite nice. I didn’t have to see him everyday. He wasn’t a complete jerk who used me for things. I didn’t have to put music on his ipod, lend him 10 dollars, answer his every ebay question, etc. Lol. He genuinely liked me. I know this, because HE pursued ME. I didn’t really think we’d be more than friends. But that’s what I get for thinking, huh? Anyways…I started seeing him less recently, what with me having three jobs, and him working 60 hr weeks. He came by last Thursday to surprise me after not physically seeing his face in a week, and kissed me and told me he missed me, blah blah blah. He also asked me yet again, why I never hit him up first. If he doesn’t talk to me, I won’t talk to him. He’s right. It’s an old habit, and a bad one. Upon Jesenia and Candace’s lectures, I wrote him the next day, and told him he made me feel like a jerk and that I was gonna make more of an effort to be the initiator of conversation. He says “Aww, it’s cool. You’re not an asshole. You told me that’s how you are from the beginning.” [True that. I always offer the disclaimer. Shoot!] And when he said that…my stomach felt funny. See, when he came over a couple weeks ago, he told me he was going to make me more of a priority, because I started seeing him less. I went two weeks without seeing him at one point, in fact. He came over almost every day after that. I bought it. I reply “Well, ok. Lol. but I’m still gonna try. What’s on your agenda for the day?”
You know what he says? “Well, I’ve got my lil man today. Um, I feel its only right and respectful if I tell you this cuz I know its gonna change everything, as it should, even tho I wish it wouldnt. But um, I got back with my ex last week. I think you’re a really good girl, and I love our friendship, and I don’t want to lose you. I just want to know your thoughts on this?”
OMG. AHHHHHH!! Why do people write “um” in messages?!?! For real!?!? REALLY?!?! Like that makes it any better? Like you really were thinking “um” as you were typing? STFU. Ick. Boo. Ugh. I just looked at it, and locked my phone. I was on my break at Torrid. I called Candace, and told her, and cracked up at her response. I didn’t give it much thought til I got home that night. I realized how much of a loser he was for telling me this via myspace. He is 24 years old. Why are you telling me this online? You think you are going to get back with your ex, and come visit me the night before and KISS me like you AIN’T got a girlfriend, and that I’m going to “tell you my thoughts on this?” Wow. Talk about a caveman. It’s at this point that I realize I am much different than a year ago. Last year around this time, someone I used to care very violently for highly disrespected me, and I went home and listed him and his best friend on CraigsList under Males4Males….with the Caption “Double Your Pleasure.” HAHAHAHA! He still has no idea. And Plan A was to slash his tires…but I felt CL was most appropriate. And the responses made me laugh. But this one? I didn’t respond to the message. I know that people who know me will probably think that is very out of character for me. I am not typically the type to let something like that go without an intellectual verbal assassination. But, honestly? I am changing everyday. It takes a lot to spark a fire in me these days. I spose that’s the only reason I was disappointed in the first place. I actually dropped the defense a bit, and gave him a shot. But he was no different in the end. Live and learn, and then learn again. and AGAIN. I get it. He wrote again the NEXT day, talking about “So…I guess you’re not speaking to me, huh?”
“I had nothing to say…so I didn’t respond.”
Him: “I’m really sorry.”
Me: “You don’t owe me an apology.”
Him: “I feel like I do. You’re a good girl, and I really love the time I spend with you.”
Me: “I think I told you before that I don’t expect anything from most people…that’s how I avoid being disappointed by things like this. It’s really fine.”
Him: “Well, if you ever need anything, I am always here for you.”
What?!?!? Who was that responding?! Was that really Sondra? Could it be?!?! Yessir. That was me. Mature. Unaffected. Somewhat brief. Shocked, I’m sure. And the killer? Wednesday morning, the fool shows up at my house and walks in the door. I guess I forgot to tell him he lost that privelege when he gained a girlfriend. I was just waking up, standing there in my chonies and a tshirt, fresh out the bed about to go brush my teeth when he opened my door. And I know I gave him a real lovely look, because he says “AW MAN! You look craaazy!” Yeah nigga. I look crazy. I just woke up, and you are NOT supposed to be here. He hugs me, and I give him a “church hug” back. I don’t know where the sign is that says “No, really. You’ve let me down, and I kinda don’t like you…but please! Come and take me for granted some more!!” on my body, but I beg anyone who has seen it to remove it when we see each other! I just looked at him really steadily, waiting…and he acted completely nonchalant….like he didn’t just tell me he got back with his ex! And me? I went right along with it. Then he tells me I look surprised to see him. talk about a master manipulator!!! And THEN?!?! He asks me if I have a stamp. Lol. A freaking stamp. I thought about it, and realized I had one in my car. So I took the opportunity to get him outside, and gave him the stamp. And then after some more b.s. small talk, he left, telling me he’d be back at 3 and that he was going to see me at karaoke that night. Haven’t spoken to or seen him since. Talk about a nigga. JEEZ!!! Don’t get me wrong…I don’t mind that he didn’t show up..but I just hate the idea that he simply did that as his own lil closure so he didn’t feel like the A-hole that he is. Because that was a real douchebag, immature thing he did. Point blank.
So now? It’s back to the drawing board, and I don’t mind, I guess. I just hate that I never have expectations for anyone, much less men. So I end up being this woman that I am…guarded, and sarcastic, and defensive…because nothing is EVER as good as it seems. I know this. I fear this. Plus, with three jobs and two classes with finals on the way…obviously men are low on the list. But I thought I was almost there….then BAM! Messy. Whatev.
Otherwise…the whole potentially homeless, and sick, and sleepy, and unmotivated thing? It’s cool. I know the Lord will work it out. See, situations like those with the boy made me realize something. I am often accused of being too nice [amidst accusations that I am too mean, ironically.] and I forgive extremely easily. I let people back in, and give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt. I constantly lend a hand to those who do nothing but use me, or let me down. And you know what? If me, just a normal human being, can manage that? God’s abilities are FAR, FAR, MORE AMAZING. Therefore, I will be just fine.
That’s all for now. Notice I focus on the scandal…I know what amuses folks, huh? Lol.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!!!