Hee Hee. Hoo Hoo.
Welp, that didn’t work. So it’s time for me to unload my burdens on my wonderful internet friends, because well, face it: i like telling you things, you like reading things, and I value all of your input!
Here’s the thing.
I absolutely DETEST, DESPISE, REBUKE, CANT STAND, and even HATE when dudes talk to me stupid. Now, my version of stupid in this note deals with the following:
“Oh girl, you’re a big sexy thing!”
Ahem. I am NOT a girl (not yet a woman, I see you Jess!lol). I am extremely disgruntled at the fact that you feel it necessary to point out painfully obvious things like, oh idk, my SIZE! Yes, you like big. But if you like me because I’m big, I can’t mess with you. There are some strange, and frankly very ALARMING stigmas attached to big girls, and I’ll have no part of that. No sir. Not I. I guess I can see how “I love me some big girls” SHOULD flatter me, but I guess there’s a problem with my acceptance switch. And then, when you get mad at me for not falling all over you, I’m a fat bitch. Interesting.
Reminds me of the time Rhonda’s friend said “You’re pretty for a big girl! And you don’t smell like bacon!”
Whoooo boy. I wont EVER forget that one, yo.
‘You’re really pretty for a big girl” or “You don’t look like most big girls!”
OMG! Well THANKS! I’m so glad that I broke through the barriers of your arrogant and biased mind! YAY FOR ME! I bet next, you’re gonna tell me that I’m short for a tall girl, or dumb for a smart person. I bet your IQ amounts to less than my age. I just know it.
You’re really nice for an ASSHOLE.
“Ooh, you’re light skinned and got that good hair!”
WTF?!?!?! Are you SERIOUS right now? Are those your two major requirements? If so, you’re in for a lifetime of ridiculous, because Heaven forbid your standards reach for something like, oh, BRAINS or WIT, or even CHARM?!?!?! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YA’LL? You think your Daddy married your Momma kuz she was light skinned with good hair? Kuz if so, there are two problems here: Light skinned boys never say that. And two, obviously that retarded thinking is genetic. I’m waiting for a response from Dr. Phil on that.
” With your Big Sexy Ass!”
Awww, come on now! You aren’t referring to my actual ass, and that just makes this STUPID! Retard.Now, if you were talking about my cakes, I’d probably LOVE you. But NOOOOO. You’re going back to the big girl stigma again. Forget about it honey. I am a PRUDE, and proud of it. Ain’t no big jiggly freak over here. I’ve been celibate for almost 15 months. I am liable to give you blue balls. And not because I tease you, all sexy-like. But, in fact, because acting like that, I’m gonna have to kick you in them. Ugh. I think I really just have a problem with chubby chasers. I understand, you like what you like (shout out to Bandace after our superb discussion about “just liking what you like”). but if those aesthetic factors are your only qualifications, then there is a serious problem. Do you have any IDEA how many b-words I have made mad by walking down the street with some of the FINEST dudes I’ve ever seen? It’s not because I’m nasty, or they’re feeling sorry for me, or kuz im a “BIG FREAK.” It’s because, well, quite honestly, they like ME. Crazy, spastic, sometimes eloquent and opinionated ME. All you other dudes with your stupid mess kan KICK ROCKS! and please, kick them far away from me towards someone with a lack of self esteem. I just can’t cushion your ego, no matter how large i ever have been, or will be. (Ooooh! I used to wear a SIZE 24 in middle school and 9th grade! And I kicked that to the kurb before I moved to the Dino in 03….but Miss Jo just purchased some size 18’s! Eff what you heard!!! WOOOOO!)
” I can just imagine, baby, skin slapping all over the place, pullin that pretty hair….(sigh)…”
Yes. This was said to me. By a random dude on the trolley, to boot!
And you know what?! THAT! That right there? That’s what makes it easy to be celibate, because frankly, I am embarassed for anyone whose skin actually slaps really loud during sex. I just feel that is so unnecessary. And kinda creepy. and just plain disturbing, that you get these mental images in your head, and on top of that, feel the need to SHARE them with me. I know ya’ll have seen those rdiculous text and myspace forwards of the ladies with a million rolls flapping all over the place, and um even on my WORST day, even in my SIZE 24 days, that would NOT have been me. OMG. RETARDS! I heard they’re collecting your kind….be strong, and bring your crayons honey.
Oh….and pulling my hair? um, HELL NO. You gotta be out of your LAST cotton picking, brain cell missing, stupefied mind if you think that is gonna work. That mess hurts!! WTH!?!?! The only people who are allowed to be any kind of rough with my hair are the ones I PAY to get it lookin rite….you better quit.
Disclaimer: some people like that….I am just really not a fan. Do you. Maybe if i was really in love….but i just dont know….
“I can just imagine what you can do with those lips, girl!”
I’m glad. Imagination…..key element for most bedridden hospital patients. Kuz the only thing I’m finna do after you say some dumb krap like that? Part my lips to kuss you OUT! If I even feel that’s necessary. Because in my imagination? I’m KICKING your BUTT. I’d do it in real life, but after being pulled over Friday night, and being relieved that I don’t have current warrants, I kinda like the free, non-potential to be arrested kind of life. So, I’ma just keep all that in my imagination, and pray these think before i speak exercises pay off. May the Lord bless you with enough sense not to even go here though….
Ima stop now. it’s just that I received another STUPID message along these lines, although, not as creative, I admit. The random dudes hold the award for most insulting, degrading, and retarded lines ever. But i figure, I’ll share these with you, and give you a late night laugh. And i HOPE he sees that I posted this, and comes to read it. I almost sent it to his inbox, but alas, I’m not sure he can read big words.
Love you all!